Want to find out what the whole 2012 Mayan prophecy thing is about, but can’t be arsed to check out any of those thick books in the Esoteric / New Age section of your local bookshop?

Well, then 2012: An Awakening and 2012: Mayan Prophecy and the Shift of the Ages (both Reality Films) are as good as any other place to start. But we dare anyone to watch these two “documentaries” without nodding off . . .

Well, we couldn’t. The only reason we think anyone else will actually stay awake would be because they already wear tin foil caps to prevent the aliens from screwing with their minds.

As far as End of the Worlds go, 2012 is quite lame. What happens on December 21, 2012? No one knows for sure, expect that the ancient Mayans’ calendar then runs out, which will either lead  you to believe one of two things: (a) the Mayans should have planned ahead better and (b) something BIG is going to happen . . .

Most New Age types settle for (b), but they can’t agree on WHAT that something big is going to be. According to the various talking heads (all male, middle-aged and older) found on these two documentaries, 2012 can mean anything from the Earth being fried by solar flares and the arrival of time machines from the future (no, really) to a change in our consciousness.

What exactly does that mean? “A change in our consciousness”? Again, no-one seems to be in agreement. Maybe we will all feel different about Oprah. Maybe America will finally adopt the metric system. Maybe we’ll all stop using Jiffy bags en masse. Who really knows? And the host of “experts” on these DVDs do not know either.

This is all frustratingly vague. At least previous End of the Worlds That Never Happened were high on specifics: with the Second Coming (circa 1000 A.D.) Jesus Christ will come to judge us all; all the computers will crash during Y2K and we will all become extras in Mad Max; nukes will fry us all during WWII (circa Cold War); and so on.

"If the ancient Mayans were so clever, then why didn’t they have air-conditioning?"

It is as if the New Age types going on about 2012 know deep down that this is another false alarm – one of many throughout the ages - and don’t want to be caught out on December 22, 2012. “We didn’t say what would happen. Just that something would happen and something did happen! I ran over the family dog yesterday and now my whole family hates my guts!”

Ten minutes into 2012: An Awakening one realizes that one is being told that global warming isn’t being caused by pollution by someone who believes that alien reptiles have taken over the Earth’s powerful political elite (David Icke). (We’d love to believe that politicians are alien reptiles because it’d explain so much, but somehow we don’t think that that is the case.)

Watching these two documentaries one also realizes that whole 2012 thing is actually anti-science no matter how much pseudoscientific babble the various talking heads spout. Their beliefs stem from an old hippy mistrust in science and technology. “If the ancient Mayans were so clever to predict the End Of Time,” I found myself wondering however, “then why didn’t they invent air-conditioning?”

That may sound very un-PC and chauvinistic, but we believe that it is not such a frivolous question. Expecting one to believe that some ancient civilisation somehow knew things we don’t, especially things such as predicting the future (which is probably impossible in the first place), betrays a lack of faith in our own civilization and accomplishments. We might as well be expected to believe that a race can somehow have space travel without ever having invented the wheel!

Modern Western civilization may have come up with air-conditioning, antibiotics and instant potato mash (I mean, just add boiling water – how fucking awesome is that?), but 2012 New Age types really, REALLY want it all to end in a flaming fireball (like in the recent Knowing) rather than go to work on Monday morning again it seems.

So what is going to happen on December 21, 2012? I honestly don’t know.

“The future is uncertain,” as Jim Morrison sang. But the point is that the various New Age guru types on these two one-sided documentaries don’t know either. I’ll however be willing to bet good money that time travelers won’t be arriving en masse from the future on that day even though we’d like that very much.



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