STAR WARS
IN 3D
 This week Lucasfilm announced that
all the Star Wars movies are going to be re-released in 3D. We
have just one question: why?
Well, OK. We know why. Lucas obviously needs money to
buy, I don’t know what. The island of Tahiti? The Red Sox? His
own Ice Planet? Who really knows how much money one actually needs, but
Lucas apparently needs more and milking the
Star Wars franchise for every drop
it’s got is obviously the way to go. (Live action TV series coming soon!
More Clone Wars episodes! Blu-rays!) He obviously ain’t going to make
another dime out of the Blu-ray Special Edition of
Howard the Duck . . .
In Lucasfilm’s statement no specific
release date is given, except for 2012 when The
Phantom Menace will hit screens in 3D. The rest of
the movies will be released annually thereafter at the
more or less the same time of the year, depending of course on how well
Phantom Menace (or Episode One as it is
also known) performs at
the box office. This means that Star Wars, or
Episode Four, won’t be released until 2015,
Empire Strikes Back in
2016 and Return of the Jedi in 2017.
Why so long? It’ll take a
year to convert each movie and George Lucas is
personally supervising each conversion. (Apparently he
was convinced by the 3D processes of
Avatar and the
increased availability of digital 3D movie theatres to
go this route.)
John Knoll, Visual Effects Supervisor for Industrial
Light & Magic, explains that “getting good results on a stereo conversion is a matter
of taking the time and getting it right.”
And: “It takes a critical and artistic eye along with an
incredible attention to detail to be successful. It is not something that
you can rush if you want to expect good results. For Star Wars we
will take our time, applying everything we know both aesthetically and
technically to bring audiences a fantastic new
Star Wars experience.”
Sure, it makes sense to convert Star Wars to 3D.
They are all special effects movies that lend themselves to it. Imagine
zooming down the trenches of the Death Star . . . in 3D! But unfortunately
Lucas will most likely re-release the tinkered with “special edition”
versions of the original three movies instead of the original theatrical
films. Imagine Greedo missing Han Solo at point blank range . . . in 3D!
Imagine Hayden Christensen pouting . . . in 3D!
The point is however that we’re sick of 3D. The best 3D
movie you’ll ever see is your very first one. Thereafter it is just a case
of fidgety glasses and overpriced movie tickets.
Besides that, we’re also sick of Star Wars, of
George Lucas re-releasing the same old movies every few years in some
supposedly new format. If we have to watch Yoda die in
Return of the Jedi one more time we’re gonna
hurl, I swear. And the less said about the Ewoks the better! Can’t Lucas
think up something new for a change? (Although the last time we asked
this, he came up with The Phantom Menace –
so skip that one . . .)
Point is that we’ve seen these movies so many times
throughout the years that we’re literally tired of them; no matter how
great they were back when we were 10.
Also, 2D to 3D conversions sucks. If a movie hasn’t been
filmed in 3D in the first place, converting it to 3D afterwards to cash in
on the latest Hollywood trend just smacks of avarice. (Recent examples
include the lousy 3D in Clash of the Titans.)
There. We’ve said it. The key word is “avarice”. And
unless George Lucas plans to donate his gazillions to the poor or
something we can’t be arsed with any new version of Star Wars . . .
even if they do beam it straight into our mind’s eye from the fourth
dimension or something.
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