000 B.C. - the latest special effects epic by
Independence Day and
After Tomorrow director Roland Emmerich - feels as if
it was dreamt up by an eight-year-old. "And then they're in the jungle
being chased by giant man-eating chickens . . . And then the saber tooth
tiger doesn't eat him because he saved the tiger from drowning earlier on
. . . and then they built the pyramids using mammoths . . ." And so on.
The plot is ostensibly about some prehistoric tribesmen
trying to save fellow tribesmen after some unscrupulous slave traders have
kidnapped them. And, yes, according to this movie they not only built the
pyramids several thousands of years before they were actually built, but
they built them using . . . mammoths.
Mystery Science Theatre 3000-types
would no doubt want to make up their own dialogue (the best line we came
up were "Oh my God! They've killed Manny! You bastards!") but the movie is
somehow too tepid to be any real fun, even as a so-bad-it's-actually-good effort.
Locales are stunning though and Camilla Belle is nice to
look at in an Elizabeth Taylor when-she-was-young kinda way. But the
actress has so little dialogue that one feels as if she's stuck in a
THE DISC: This is one of those double-sided discs
with data written on both sides, so handle it carefully when taking it out
of the box.
One side contains the movie in widescreen mode and on
the other side the movie has been cropped to fit a standard television
screen. It is obvious which version to play when you have a widescreen TV,
but not so obvious when you have an "ordinary" one. The feature has a
2.35:1 aspect ratio and therefore huge chunks of the image have been cut
from the sides with the pan 'n' scan version. But despite this, the colors
are so vibrant and the image so sharp on the pan 'n' scan presentation
that we will risk the wrath of purists here and recommend you view the
"standard version" if you have a 1.33:1 TV screen. The landscapes look
particularly great, somehow even more impressive than they did on the
Not much in the line of extras except for about ten
minutes worth of deleted scenes. The scenes are hardly ?awesome? and the
alternate ending is scarcely ?exciting? as the DVD box proclaims even they
do go some way in explaining Omar Sharif's bizarre voice-over narration.
By the way, there is a full trailer for
Batman - Gotham Knight,
the full-length Batman movie as told by various anime artists ?
included. It looks pretty cool.
RECOMMENDATION: You'd probably be better off
watching Ice Age or Quest for Fire
again. History buffs will no doubt suffer a collective apoplexy and are
advised to stay clear of 10 000 B.C.