Lost in Translation: 8 Worst Video Game Movies . . . Ever!
With the impending release of Silent Hill: Revelation 3D later this month we look at the worst video game movies ever!
With the amount of failed video game to movie adaptations, there is basically no room for redemption in this genre. Cast your big-name actor with chiseled abs, include nonsensical scenes with hot girls in skimpy outfits, produce the most enthralling visuals and your film is still cursed with failure. Audiences and hardcore gamers are still patiently waiting for an adaptation that won’t shame top video games.
The video game to film genre is unforgiving and the following films are unapologetically bad:
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Sequels in cinema are like rebounds in dating. They have to work extra hard for a good review and to be taken seriously. From low expectations and poor reputations, sequels have a lot to prove. And Resident Evil‘s follow up, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, was a meaningless one night stand preferred to be blocked from gamers’ memories of 2004. The movie lacked the fright and violence, which are the pulse and blood of gamers.
Action? Horror? Sci-Fi? Romantic Comedy? Resident Evil: Apocalypse struggled to find an identity on the big screen. With an imitation theme and zombie mutants in bulletproof armor, this sequel seemed to be a montage of all the boring scenes cut from the original. After releasing five Resident Evil films, Anderson is rumored to produce a sixth and final installment of the franchise. Loyal gaming fans may just need a GameFront.com walkthrough to survive it.
DOA: Dead or Alive
What supplements a movie void of a coherent story and exciting action sequences? Sexy, hardcore females — like Jaime Pressly — fighting, kicking and punching in skimpy clothes and bra tops. A shallow plot, weak martial arts battle scenes and dull dialogue were painful examples of how this movie failed even in the C-rated category. DOA: Dead or Alive wasn’t filmed to win an Academy Award, yet even fans of cheesy and overly rehearsed fight sequences who like to see hot girls onscreen were left wanting more blood and less digital effects.
Awarded as one of the worst video game movies in history is much more of an accomplishment than dying unnoticed in the wormhole of movie mistakes. Street Fighter had the honor of being rated as one of the worst video game movies for nearly 20 years, and no, we won’t let it go. Congratulations to Jean-Claude Van Damme, Raul Julia (RIP) and sure, even Kylie Minogue for valiantly testing her acting skills on the big screen.
Street Fighter ranks as number nine on Time Entertainment’s “Top 10 Worst Video Game Movies” because of its failed “narrative cohesiveness, character development, or visual beauty,” the article said. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li released in 2009 successfully lived up to the original’s hype of ridiculousness, irrelevant gunfire and slow-motion action.
Whether it’s fighting giant creatures in a lost world at the center of the earth or carrying out the duties of a tooth fairy, “The Rock” never disappoints. So I can’t possibly blame “The Rock” Dwayne Johnson and his versatile acting skills for the lackluster response to Doom. I respect the work of “The Rock,” which is why blame is placed on the movie’s nonexistent special effects, chaotic story-line and gratuitous violence for its disappointment — even as mindless entertainment.
Spoiler Alert: “Shooting and yelling occur in Doom, ” says film critic Roger Ebert. “Watching Doom is like visiting Vegas and never leaving your hotel room.” Ebert adds that it’s “like some kid came over and is using your computer and won’t let you play.”
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Nobody should forget Jake Gyllenhaal in Bubble Boy, because that makes his role as long-haired, rugged Prince Dastan, donned in Gladiator-esque garb, even more amusing. Perhaps I’m in the minority of women, but Jake Gyllenhaal is sexier in a plastic bubble than in chest and ab-baring poses with juiced-up muscles.
Unfortunately, Gyllenhaal’s physical transformation and you-can’t hide-from-my-abs bod don’t save Prince of Persia from its blandness and mediocrity. Audiences wait for an exciting twist or hook as scenes unfold with a shirtless Gyllenhaal and action sequences masking a failed story-line. You almost want to half smile and praise the film for its ambitious attempt at breaking the curse of the video game to movie adaptations.
Alone in the Dark
For any director to cast Tara Reid in a film, any film, shame on you. You have low standards and don’t care. By “any director,” I may be passive aggressively alluding to Uwe Boll and his decision to throw glasses on Tara Reid, pull her hair into a bun and call her an archaeologist. To counteract the Tara Reid casting, Christian Slater stars as Edward Carny, a detective who searches for lost artifacts and battles mutant canines.
AskMen.com classifies Alone in the Dark as “survival horror — gaming royalty,” indicative of Boll’s signature brand. Audiences are burdened with a “cataclysmic cacophonous fiasco” full of “jagged pacing, laughable use of slow-motion,” and “mismatched editing,” according to SlantMagazine.com. To say the most, Boll lives up to his infamous reputation as “mainstream cinema’s most awesomely incompetent living filmmakers.”
Keeping with the Uwe Boll theme, BloodRayne exceeds the expectations of audiences and critics have come to expect with this genre and the German director. In the video game prequel, three warriors go to war with the forces of darkness and the evil ruler Lord Kagan. Half-human and half-vampire Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is enlisted to help the warrior trio bring down the powerful Lord Kagan.
The fate of Rayne and Lord Kagan rest in the hands of good vs. evil. BloodRayne‘s cast also includes Titanic‘s Billy Zane, Legally Blonde‘s Matthew Davis and Blue Crush‘s Michelle Rodriguez — a few actors stepping off the boat from Hollywood’s island of misfit toys. Reactions to the movie? With a reputation as one of the worst filmmakers comes a big responsibility to make horribly bad films. BloodRayne? Success.
The popular film-review website Rotten Tomatoes keeps it real. So real that the review site rates Silent Hill at 29 percent, a.k.a. a rotten tomato, and describes it as a film “plagued by inane dialogue, a muddle plot and an overlong runtime.” Based on the survival horror video game, Silent Hill is a supernatural game in which a mother is desperate to flee her daughter from the grasp of evil. Unmoved by the mysteriousness and menacing darkness, Entertainment Weekly’s Owen Gleiberman says “Silent Hill is mostly paralyzing in its vagueness.” Bill Gallo of the Village Voice pegs the grim film as “stuffed with cheap effects and devoid of tension.”
Mostly, non-gamers were confused. Film critic Roger Ebert didn’t understand the movie and neither did about eight other people who he had the pleasure of sharing an elevator with after a Silent Hill viewing. With so much hype surrounding the adaptation, it had a lot to live up to. Grandiose imagery and visually impressive? Yes. Comprehensible? No.
Abby Terlecki graduated from Ohio University’s E.W. Scripps School of Journalism and knew she was destined to write for entertainment and fashion after meeting Tom Cruise (pre-Suri) and winning “best dressed” in high school. Abby loves tree pose, her nephews, coffee and the movie Factory Girl.