Easily the most entertaining movie we’ve seen all year!

When is a movie so bad it’s good? It’s a thin line between “so bad it’s good” and “so bad it’s, well, bad” but we would like to contend that Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I is entertainingly bad. In fact, it’s the funniest movie we’ve seen this year even though it isn’t a comedy (we think).

Anyway, my better half and I recently suffered, er, sat, through the (legal) Russian DVD of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I (don’t ask).

Here are my disjointed notes:

a.) I haven’t seen my wife laugh this much for ages. In fact, she laughed so much that she started crying. She doesn’t even laugh this much at any of the so-called “comedies” I occasionally bring home. Maybe I am a DIY Mystery Science Theater 3000 Master and a genuinely funny guy  . . . or maybe those were tears of pain. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but my wife genuinely enjoyed this latest Twilight movie albeit for all the wrong reasons.

b.) Taylor Lautner takes his shirt off during the first few seconds of the movie (it’s in his contract) . . . and that’s it! He stays fully clothed throughout the rest of the movie and one can hardly recognize him with his shirt on. If I were female or gay I would felt seriously short-changed and asked for my money back!

c.) Note to film-makers of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I: movies are things in which stuff actually happens. For the first hour simply fuck all happens. They get married, have honeymoon sex in an exotic tropical locale, he breaks the furniture in a fit of passion. “This is just like our honeymoon,” I complained to my wife. “Who would pay money to see that?” It is all so . . . commonplace.

d.) Wedding porn. “That’s a nice dress,” my wife says of the wedding actress Kristen Stewart gets to wear. “If you say so,” I reply, “but I can’t see myself in it.” Women like the Twilight movies for the same reason that men don’t tune in to watch stuff like the Royal Wedding because it’s, well, a chick thing. They go “ooh” and ah” while we wonder about some ballgame.

e.) The first half of the movie is like a Mills & Boons novel. So is the second half.

f.) “That’ll teach them for having post-marital sex!”

g.) Hollywood weddings have classical music. In real life most people play that Sting song about the stalker. Don’t expect to find the classical music on the OST.

h.) Maybe it’s the DVD we watched, but the night scenes were hopelessly under-lit and you couldn’t see what the hell was going on! Did they spend all the money on the costume department (that wedding dress!) and forgot to allocate any money to the lighting department?

i.) The special effects are still crap. So maybe it’s for the best that we can’t see what’s on the screen.

j.) They’re stretching this shitty book over two movies. Aaaaargghhhhh . . .

k.) “That’ll teach them for having interspecies sex.”

l.) Deep down we think men actually like complaining about the Twilight movies. It’s more fun to endless bitch and whine about these movies than about real, painful issues such as stalled careers, emotionally cold spouses and why their team is doing so crap this season . . .

m.) I won’t repeat the chicken gag that made my wife laugh so much.


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Category: Movies, Reviews

About the Author

James has been running The Sci-Fi Movie Page since Before the Beginning of Time Itself (TM), i.e. since the site's inception in 1997. In addition to sci-fi James also likes 1970s motorbikes and chili dogs although he doesn't own the former and no longer eats the latter. He currently resides in Kiev, Ukraine for reasons best left unexplained.



May 2017
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