When our new alien overlords are dumb asses . . .

So imagine you’re a superior, intelligent race that stumbles upon this backwards planet that hasn’t even been able to leave their own solar system. What’s more, they have something you need: resources, food, a new place to crash . . . Why, it should be easy to wipe out these ant-like peons and get what you want!

But wait, you didn’t count on them having that one thing that can utterly destroy you and, as Hollywood is always keen to point out, it isn’t military might, nuclear weapons or usually technology that win the battle – it’s the little things in life.

While not all of these may be top sci-fi movies, it seems to be fairly easy to fall victim to the most mundane things.

5) The War of the Worlds

Victim of… the Common Cold

Not once, but twice have these invaders fallen to that most insidious, and tiny, of Earthly defenders: germs.

That’s right, awesome death rays and imperviousness to all the might the world has to offer means nothings when an errant sneeze means your death. The reason this isn’t higher is because this is at least plausible. I mean, if history has taught me nothing else, it’s that disease is much more likely to decimate a population than war. And we know that it’s relatively common for things like the flu to cross species, so who says an invading alien won’t get so sick that they just keel over and die?

So if an alien invasion seems inevitable, just start licking everything and hope your bad manners help destroy the menace!

4) The Faculty

Victim of… Caffeine

No one is going to say this is the pinnacle of sci-fi or horror. It is essentially a hip, teen version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but it has quite the eclectic cast: Josh Hartnett, Famke Janssen, Elijah Wood, Robert Patrick, Usher, Jordana Brewster and even Jon Stewart.

As the student body and teachers are assimilated, our intrepid group of regular old humans must figure out what hurts these parasitic invaders. So what is the big solution? Resident “bad boy” Zeke Tyler (Harnett) figures out his “drug” is the key – not heroine, not cocaine, not even weed – his skat otherwise known as powdered caffeine pills.

That’s right – it’s shown early on that these creatures really like water, so apparently a mix of caffeine and other easily-available chemicals dehydrates them or something. It’s not really clear, but I’m guessing that drowning them in coffee just wasn’t as feasible.

3) Evolution

Victim of…. Head & Shoulders Shampoo

A meteor crashes in Glen Canyon, AZ and soon after a lot of crazy things start showing up, things not of this Earth. And they’re spreading, rapidly. Plus, fire makes them happy – so you know the bright idea to blow them up will in fact cause their population to, erm, explode.

So how does a bunch of nitwits, half-wits and a couple of actual scientists pull off saving humanity? Why, Agent Mulder himself (I’m sorry, David Duchovny) figures out the aliens would most likely be poisoned by selenium, which, he is informed by two otherwise moronic students, is the main ingredient in Head & Shoulders shampoo.

So they do the only thing that makes sense: fill up a fire truck’s water tank, find a massive amoeba-like organism about to divide, and give that bad boy a Head & Shoulders enema. That’s one combination I bet you’d never think to see in print, but there you go.

2) Mars Attacks!

Victim of… the dulcet tones of Slim Whitman

Tim Burton’s alien invasion flick Mars Attacks! is all about fun. It’s bright and colorful, hilarious yet filled with a lot of people getting killed, usually in the wackiest of ways, but still, killed none-the-less.

The big-headed Martians seem to have all the advantages: superior weapons, virtually no consciences whatsoever, and they really don’t care what cities or governments they destroy. Once again, our vast military might seem to have little effect against these titans of terror (no matter that to me they sound like sick ducks when they “talk”) so what can we do?

Why, crank up grandma’s gramophone to 11, especially when the yodeling cowboy Slim Whitman comes on with “Indian Love Song”. Like an opera singer and a crystal glass, Slim Whitman’s vocal styling resonates at just the right frequency to blow up alien heads. Ah, Death by Country Legend . . . Though if I had to go, I would rather succumb to the vocals of Johnny Cash myself.

1) Signs

Victim of… freakin’ water

Note to alien invaders: if you plan on taking down a planet, you might want to reconsider when it is 70% covered by something that is fatal to you and often falls from the sky.

M. Night Shyamalan was once considered a pretty talented director, now he’s pretty much a punch line and Signs is where it all started. The movie has a good cast, a so-so story that gets way too much into religion, but the absolute worst part of the movie is learning that these intergalactic beings, apparently intent on doing something bad to our planet, are felled by water!

That’s right. They could have been brought down by a cold front, or walking through some morning dew or, hell, enough people getting together and spitting on them! I can’t think of a scenario where this invading menace wouldn’t have failed miserably. They could have tried to put on protective suits or something, but no, they walk around all naked and just melt away from one of the most common elements on this planet. As if there was ever going to be any other outcome!

If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that if a hostile other-worldly forces decide to conquer and/or destroy us, chances are we’ll figure out how to kill them by accident or through a completely random, everyday object.

Maybe paper makes them break out in hives and die or Pepsi turns out to be deadly toxic or playing “Call Me Maybe” causes their brains to leak out their noses.  If there’s a way to stop them, it’ll surface, and just in the nick of time to save our species . . .

 

Chris Kavan is the Community Manager of FilmCrave.com and if it turns out aliens can be killed by graphic novels and movies about zombies, he’s totally safe.

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Category: Features, Movies

About the Author

Chris Kavan is the community manager for FilmCrave.com, a haven for all fans of sci-fi movies. He really holds no grudge against Mars - after all, he doesn't want to anger the god of war.

  • Spaceman Stone

    That is too funny. Thanks for posting this article.

  • Wim (Belgium)

    Very good article! Fun to read

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