Quotes by 19th century German existentialist philosophers!

Conan remake posterLet’s be honest: the new Conan the Barbarian remake isn’t a complete waste of one’s time and is probably closer to what creator Robert E. Howard had in mind for his character.

Modern audiences will probably prefer the action-packed remake to the 1982 film, which lacked focus at times and has dated badly in the special effects department.

Still, we liked the 1982 flick better and here’s why:

1.) Quotes by Nietzsche over the opening titles. How many modern Hollywood Sword & Sorcery epics kick off with quotes by 19th century German existentialist philosophers? Not a lot I tell you. And don’t let the fact that it is the one most beloved by parents and drill sergeants everywhere put you off either (“That which does not kill us makes us stronger. “)

2.) We missed Basil Poledouris’ epic symphonic score. Sure it’s cribbed shamelessly off Prokofiev’s Alexander Nevsky, but it’s a hell of lot more memorable and better than 300 composer Tyler Bates’ generic score for the remake.

3.)  Arnold Schwarzenegger. We never thought we’d say this, but we missed the Austrian oak and his heavy Teutonic accent, which is perfect for Conan’s mythical Hyboria. Or for a tour guide down Lake Lucerne . . .

4.) Orgies. There were some gratuitous nudity in the remake, but we missed those orgy rooms!

5.) This dialogue:

Mongol General: Conan! What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Mongol General: That is good! That is good.

6.) Director John Milius. Milius also wrote Red Dawn and bits of Apocalypse Now (it shows). Milius is a gun nut and actually serves as a member of the National Rifle Association’s Board of Directors. Chances are he actually believes in all the macho bullshit in the original Conan, which gives it all a whiff of authenticity – more than one can say of director Marcus Nispel for whom this is yet another workman-like remake for the CV.


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Category: Movies, Reviews

About the Author

James has been running The Sci-Fi Movie Page since Before the Beginning of Time Itself (TM), i.e. since the site's inception in 1997. In addition to sci-fi James also likes 1970s motorbikes and chili dogs although he doesn't own the former and no longer eats the latter. He currently resides in Kiev, Ukraine for reasons best left unexplained.

  • Conan

    oh man… this 2011 remake is so bad it hurts…

  • Jack

    Maybe in another 30 years they will try again and get it right.

  • http://twitter.com/flashcraft flashcraft

    “…all the macho bullshit in the original Conan…”bullshit? What bullshit?

  • Anonymous

     ”Modern audiences will probably prefer the action-packed remake to
    the 1982 film, which lacked focus at times and has dated badly in the
    special effects department.”Bullshit. How did the original ever lack focus? It’s the plot in the new one that doesn’t make sense. We all know who Thulsa Doom is, and what his goal is; to subvert and brainwash Hyperborea’s youth into starting a jihad. This new guy? Well, he wants to bring his dead wife back to life so she can use the necromancy of a dead civilization to turn him into a god… yeah, that’s kinda lame. Seriously, the new villain is nothing compared to James Earl Jones and his Tree of Woe line. This new movie sucks compared to the old one; the only actors who were worth a damn were Jason Momoa and Rose McGowen; the rest were just reciting their lines.



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