The Not-So Inconvenient Zombie Apocalypse . . .
We finally catch up with Resident Evil 5 (yes!) on DVD and here are some of our thoughts:
- The zombie apocalypse is not that inconvenient it would seem. Humanity may have been reduced to a giant horde of brainless homicidal zombies, but hot attractive people can still go around looking, er, hot and do fun things such as killing endless hordes of zombies in slow motion.
- Watching Retribution I couldn’t help but wonder how exactly the Umbrella Corporation can maintain vast secret underground cities of the sort that will give any Bond villain secret base envy. Who supplies the electricity? Corporations – even all-powerful ones – do not exist in isolation, somewhere there must be a nuclear power plant – with workers and everything – keeping this baby going.
- Who pays the workers’ pension fund? Do they have dental? Yet humanity has been wiped out by the zombie plague we have been told throughout the past few movies. Also, who supplies all those bullets? Those skin-tight leather outfits? Alice’s (Milla Jovovich) makeup? The food they eat? (Even dieting superstar types eat – right?) The fuel for all those helicopters? Heck, where do they get all those helicopter and security staff pilots if all of humanity has been infected by the zombie plague? The hairdressers for the main characters and the gyms for the ripped male characters?
- I suppose one shouldn’t let logic get in the way of a movie like Retribution, and neither should one let something as trivial as the End of Civilization get in the way of Milla Jovovich strutting round in skin-hugging leathers, which never gets tired incidentally.
- End of Western Civilization aside, nothing else in Retribution makes much sense either. In the end the villain gives Alice her “powers” back, but she seem to have been doing quite well without them what with all those slow-motion Matrix-style acrobatics and fighting.
- Michelle Rodriguez has made an entire career out of one facial expression: a snarl that asks, “Did you just fart?”
- Of all the Resident Evil movies this is the one with its own head up its own arse the furthest. There are all kinds of fanboy references to the game as well as to the convoluted previous movies. After so many movies it was inevitable.
- Back in the day sequels meant diminishing returns at the box and thus diminishing movie budgets to make up for the slack (see: the original 1970s Planet of the Apes sequels). When one thinks about it, Retribution has the same plot as the first 2002 movie: a group of people must escape a secret underground facility. Retribution is however much more spectacular with loads more special effects. Sequels have become big business.
- To its credit the Resident Evil franchise has sort of stuck to its guns and built up its own convoluted “mythology” and back story. Retribution picks right up where Afterlife (2010) left off. At least the film-makers resisted the temptation to make completely standalone movies. Each movie ends on a cliffhanger and if you can’t remember the plot details from the previous movies then don’t worry: you can just watch Jovovich strut her stuff in that leather outfit.
- The Umbrella Corporation may be a global monopoly and the “world’s greatest commercial entity” yadda yadda, but we can still have some product placement for Sony (who made the movie).
- The Resident Evil movies are all rubbish, but they’re enjoyable rubbish. We liked this better than, let’s say, the crap Total Recall remake or the last Underworld movie. After all, none of these movies have zombie Soviet troops with flamethrowers on off-road motorbikes. With this sort of thing you must take what you can get.
- Plus, we just loved that pimped-out Rolls Royce with the spinning hubs (in a campy way of course).