We cash in on the release of the international trailer for GI Joe 2 by republishing an old review of the original movie . . .
1. One of the privileged few online “critics” who got to see the movie before the movie’s theatrical release declared that if he were ten years old, then GI Joe would have been the best movie he has ever seen! We agree – if that ten-year-old boy has never seen ANY modern blockbuster over the past 32 years such as Star Wars, Iron Man, Harry Potter, Transformers 2 and Lord of the Rings, then that hypothetical ten year old would have been REALLY impressed!
2. We’re glad we didn’t pay full price for our movie tickets.
3. It’s the sort of thing that goes down better on DVD on a lazy Saturday evening as part of a DVD triple bill. Save this one for last if you’re tired and feeling sleepy and afraid that you might miss something . . .
4. It’s pure Saturday matinee stuff aimed at . . . yes . . . 10- year-old boys!
5. It’s not that bad, but it isn’t a whole lot of fun either. We liked the super-suit chase through the streets of Paris the best, but felt it could have been better.
6. Despite the huge budget lavished on the movie (an estimated $170 million!) it all feels . . . cheap. Some of the masks are especially cheesy. On the other hand it is rather difficult to bring this sort of comic book thing to the big screen successfully.
7. We could never tire of actress Rachel Nichols as Shana ‘Scarlett’ O’Hara and especially Sienna Miller as Ana / Baroness strutting their stuff in those black leather fetishist outfits throughout the entire movie. If the whole movie was just them strutting about, then it would have been REALLY good!
8. We’re sure that if the arms-dealing villain McCullen / Destro (played by Christopher Eccleston, the ninth Doctor Who) shaved some construction costs off his over-sized, high-tech secret James Bond-like lair hidden under the arctic cap, then he needn’t have bamboozled NATO into producing his nano-tech warheads and then stealing it from them – a risky proposition. Instead he could have produced the warheads himself.
9. Just why did he build that hidden underwater fortress? Because all Bond villains must have one? Oh wait, it’s so that the movie can have an action climax taken straight out of the Death Star assault in Star Wars . . . except it’s underwater! How original!
10. I sincerely hope that this movie isn’t an indication of what is going to happen to actor David Tennant now that he has quit as the tenth Doctor. He deserves better. Then again, so did Eccleston . . .
12. Question: Is it still product placement when the bad guys drive your vehicle? Much is made of the fact that the villains drive a Hummer during the Paris chase scene. However we can’t imagine that anyone who still has to dump second-hand Hummers onto unsuspecting buyers would be too happy with their customers being depicted as road rage-filled sociopaths. (The Hummer in question is fitted out with a battering ram and missiles!)
13. Hummer drivers are sociopaths – but no advertiser appreciates truth in advertising . . .
14. Which outfit boasts the most outlandish “foreign” (i.e. non-American) accents? Cobra or G.I. Joe? Our money is on Cobra . . .
15. Are we to believe that bad guy Zartan can perfectly impersonate the President of the United States when the actor who plays him (Arnold Vosloo) has never bothered ditching his South African accent for a single Hollywood movie he has ever appeared in? Not. A. Single. One.
16. Whoever dreamed up the Black and the White ninja guys must have read a lot of Spy vs. Spy in Mad magazine as a kid . . .
17. The people sitting behind us in the cinema were easily amused and laughed at everything! They even laughed at the ads fer crying out loud! (Haven’t they seen ANY of them before?) If I were as easily entertained I would probably be a much happier person!