Just what we needed! Vampire right-to-lifers!

STARRING:  Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Billy Burke
2011, 117 minutes, Directed by: Bill Condon

There will be no denying fans of the Twilight series.  They will swoon over the wedding of Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson).  They will ooh and aah over their exotic honeymoon.  They will not complain that an hour has gone by and virtually nothing has happened.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I takes the first half of the fourth and final novel of the series, and then asks viewers to wait a whole year for the exciting (yawn!) conclusion.  Unfortunately for those who are not members of the sparkly vampire cult, the movie is excruciatingly dull when it’s not laugh out loud funny.  These movies sharply divide viewers.  You either get it or you don’t.

The story picks up speed in the second half, meaning it goes from being inert to things finally happening.  It’s not revealing anything that isn’t already known to point out that the big issue in Breaking Dawn is that Bella, still human, and Edward, the sparkly vampire, discover that their infrequent marital sex has led not only to a pregnancy but to a creation that is apparently a vampire/human mix.  The werewolves don’t like this one bit for some reason and want to kill Bella, the fetus, and the rest of the Cullen clan of vampires.  This calls for Jacob (Taylor Lautner) to decide whether he’s more loyal to Bella, whom he loves, than to his wolf pack.

What this means in terms of the acting is that everyone looks as if they are constipated all the time.  Even when she’s happy Bella looks like she’s dead.  In fact when they think she actually is dead at one point it’s startling to realize she’s showing the exact same emotional range as when she was alive.  This is criminal because Stewart is an attractive and talented actress who has done interesting work elsewhere.  Here, though, the only reason you won’t think she’s a zombie is she isn’t shuffling around demanding Brains!

Pattinson and Lautner are essentially little more than eye candy for the teen girls (and, let’s note, older women) who make up Twilight fandom.  The characters are barely written and the actors do little to develop what they have.  As Edward, Pattinson is about as expressive as a department store mannequin, while Lautner gets to take his shirt off (but not his pants) when he wants to morph into a wolf.

Parents might take care to note the mixed messages of the series.  On the one hand Edward and Bella remain chaste for much of the series.  Now they’re married, and in one scene we see that Edward can’t control his strength when he’s in the throes of passion, leaving Bella with several bruises.  Her claim that it’s okay sounds like an injured wife making excuses for an abusive husband.  Later, the vampires argue about what to do about Bella’s pregnancy which seems to be killing her.  One refers to the fetus only to be corrected several times by another vampire who insists it is a baby.  Just what we needed.  Vampire right-to-lifers.

Breaking Dawn – Part I is a terrible movie, with little by way of plot or characterization, long stretches where absolutely nothing of importance happens, and a lame cliffhanger ending.  Two things are certain: it is one of the worst movies of the year, and it is going to make an awful lot of money.

 

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Category: Movies, Reviews

About the Author

Daniel M. Kimmel is a veteran movie critic and author of a host of film-related books, the most recent being Jar Jar Binks Must Die… and other observations about science fiction movies. He teaches film at Suffolk University and lives in Somerville, Massachusetts.

  • GarrisonCalibretto

    hahahahaha;D
    “sparkly vampire cult”
    I could not have expressed it better myself…

  • Nautolan Jedi

    “What this means in terms of the acting is that everyone looks as if they
    are constipated all the time.  Even when she’s happy Bella looks like
    she’s dead.  In fact when they think she actually is dead at one point
    it’s startling to realize she’s showing the exact same emotional range
    as when she was alive.  This is criminal because Stewart is an
    attractive and talented actress who has done interesting work elsewhere…”

    I agree with you.  I like Kristen Stewert as well, and think she has a lot more to offer, in terms of emotional range and personality…that is one of the reasons I dislike the Sparkly Vampire Cult movies so much, these film makers are exploiting the actors for their “youthful attractiveness, eye candy” which is an insult…to the (actors & viewers) as well as, a manipulative attempt—
    to appeal to our VANITY, and not our minds or deeper emotions/consciousness/spirit/goodness.

    The whole Twilight series comes off as SHALLOW & FAKE, my Jedi Senses tell me the DARK Forces of the evil Sith are at work…

    “Clear, your mind must be if you are to discover the real villains behind the plot.”
    ―Yoda to Obi-Wan (Twilight Producers? Sparkly Vampire Cult Leaders, haha;D)

    “Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun, the Clone War has!”
    ―Yoda(Twilight has the APPEARANCES of something good, a creative take on the Vampire Genre, to some…however, a cloud of darkness, I sense is responsible) hahaha, I like empathing Master Yoda :)

  • Anonymous

    “Parents might take care to note the mixed messages of the series.  On
    the one hand Edward and Bella remain chaste for much of the series. 
    Now they’re married, and in one scene we see that Edward can’t control
    his strength when he’s in the throes of passion, leaving Bella with
    several bruises.  Her claim that it’s okay sounds like an injured wife
    making excuses for an abusive husband.  Later, the vampires argue about
    what to do about Bella’s pregnancy which seems to be killing her.  One
    refers to the fetus only to be corrected several times by another
    vampire who insists it is a baby.  Just what we needed.  Vampire
    right-to-lifers.

    Breaking Dawn – Part I is a terrible movie, with little by
    way of plot or characterization, long stretches where absolutely nothing
    of importance happens, and a lame cliffhanger ending.  Two things are
    certain: it is one of the worst movies of the year, and it is going to
    make an awful lot of money.”

    Your words tell me that I am not alone in my feelings—sensing the underlying SHROUD of DARKNESS…Republicans! hahaha, Right-to-Lifers and Spousal Abusers they do ENDORSE & JUSTIFY, the Sith they remind me of! (Yoda speak, I never tire of it, ;D hm hm hm)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XL374DFQBZU5ZXUEADTAEQ7KGM Thomas

    I went to this movie to pick up barely legals. It was actually watchable. The beginning has no action but has some clever dialog, cute jokes. The second has action, but it is crappy action. You notice that they never show heroes drawing blood, which gimps the ability of showing a “realistic” battle between superhumans with fangs and claws.

  • Nautolan Jedi

    So, the Sparkly Vampire and Shirtless Werewolf fight each other without drawing blood, but Bella gets bruises after rough sex with Sparkles McGee?

    It sounds like the Vampire in the closet is truly attracted to the pretty-boy Werewolf, and the real enemy that Sparkles causes bodily-harm to, is Bella, the hot girl…Sparkles hates women, because he secretly wants to BE Bella! haha

    He bruises Bella because he wants the fudge-packing WerePuppy to be his boyfriend!:Dhaha

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