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THE NITPICKER'S GUIDE TO GODZILLA


Are you the kind of person who noticed that there were too many stars in the American flag seen at the beginning of the first Godfather movie?  Or the type who would whine endlessly about all kinds of other small details in movies? Then you'd love this Nitpicker's Guide to Godzilla - this way you can moan about the movie without actually having seen it saving you a few bucks in the process!

 

  1. Pregnancy tests take a little longer than two seconds.

  2. Godzilla can outrun helicopters but he can't keep up to a taxicab.

  3. You can't evacuate the entire island of Manhattan in a matter of hours.

  4. Helicopters can fly higher than 30 feet.

  5. Baby Godzillas would not be trapped in the entry way of the Gardens by glass doors.

  6. If they were trapped, how did they miss the big hole in the floor lined with a fish every three feet to lead them to safety.

  7. That fish in the basketball hoop was still alive. He must've been out of the ocean for over a day at least.

  8. If the tape was really top secret, why did they write it in big red letters on the tape and leave it out in the open in an unlocked tent?

  9. Matthew Broderick is not strong enough to push back a 9-ft-tall Godzilla baby out of the elevator with one leg.

  10. Lazy-Eye Larry was firing the Apache chain guns.

  11. Sidewinders blow up on proximity fuses. They wouldn't have kept going.

  12. Sidewinders have almost no explosive force. They're meant to pop aircraft, not cause major structural damage to the Chrysler Building.

  13. When running for your life, do you keep your head looking back most of the time, thus slowing your running speed?

  14. The devastation of Chernobyl caused earthworms to increase 17% in size. That's a LOT of nuclear testing to make Gojira that big. But if there was all that testing, why did only one Komoda dragon mutate?

  15. Where did all 200+ eggs fit in Godzilla?

  16. Why didn't the Apaches use those Hellfire missiles? A shaped charge would have blown halfway through Godzilla.

  17. They could have shot Godzilla in the left eye with current military accuracy at a range of 10 or 20 miles. Now, why did they need him to get into central park?

  18. The Brooklyn Bridge is strong! No only can it hold up Godzilla, it can hold him up after it loses all its suspension. Maybe they should call it a non-suspension bridge.

  19. How can that taxi still drive after being chomped six times in Godzilla's mouth?

  20. Why did Godzilla wait so long to try breathing fire on the humans she viewed responsible for killing her kids?

  21. How did that chain-link fence manage to hold Godzilla back for those few seconds?

  22. Why didn't they fly in a seismograph to locate Godzilla?

  23. Isn't it convenient how one little switch activate all those independent light systems in Madison Square Garden? Maybe they had left all the light on and just through the breaker.

  24. Why would you fire a heat seeker at even a warm-blooded target?

  25. Why was the Internet connection already set up at MSG?

  26. How could the Mayor walk among military personnel all day without a single person noticing the mic on the back of his neck? (An iffy one, but the mic wasn't exactly well-hidden.)

  27. How come people bounced a foot in the air when Godzilla first started walking around NYC, but not at any other time?

  28. How come French secret service lost all their guns while setting charges.

  29. How did that that four ton electrical cable stay stuck in Godzilla's mouth, when it was leisurely draped over a tooth, without falling out?

  30. How come the feet sank 3 feet into earth, 2 feet into concrete, but didn't dent the bridge?

  31. Why did the military suddenly refuse to believe their expert's theory that there wasn't a nest, enough to start endangering citizens' lives by letting them back in the city?

  32. Could Godzilla teleport? Because sometimes she'd be right behind them, then be gone, then be way in front of them.

  33. Would those taxi's radios really work down underground in the subway?

  34. Why the problem with finding non-heat-seeking technology? Most missiles are laser or radar guided.

  35. Could Godzilla really bite a helicopter without needing plastic surgery, afterwards?

  36. Why was Godzilla "Born Pregnant" like a Tribble, instead of developing eggs after it hit puberty?

  37. How did Matt Broderick know she was born pregnant from a pregnancy test?

  38. That scene where they go through the mass of baby Godzillas by blasting the chandeliers? Not a chance.

  39. When Godzilla dives into the ocean, wouldn't there be more than a mild splash?

  40. Why did the AGMs that struck into MSG explode more violently then when they hit Godzilla?

  41. I can buy the incompetence of the military, but you know the Mafia would have put a hit on Godzilla .

  42. Why isn't the military now requisitioning cab cars for search and destroy missions?

  43. How come the Frenchmen said some of the simplest, off the cuff phrase to one another in English? "It's good?", "Oui". Really, how many people would miss the meaning of "C'est bien?" "Oui"?

  44. Why did the baby Godzillas sniff main stars 37 times, but no-names just once?

  45. Would Baby Godzillas be attracted to the smell of popcorn . . . in sealed plastic bags?

  46. How did the military know they'd destroyed the target (Godzilla) but then couldn't find the dead body?

  47. So Godzilla never poops? (I know it's a big ocean, but she spent the entire movie on the Island without relieving herself once)

  48. Why did the tires revving in Godzilla's mouth seem to give no problem, but then when a cable electric pokey hits her, THEN she wants to spit the thing out at an angle where it can still drive?

  49. Why didn't they wash the fish smell off?

  50. How come the Godzillas just watched them through the glass of the garden for so long?

  51. Why didn't they use napalm? That can't be good for a cold-blooded creature!

  52. What woman of the 1990's would let her married boss get away with saying in so many words she doesn't have a chance for the promotion unless she invites him to her place for dinner?

  53. If the Earth cracked beneath you, between your legs, would you just stand there?

  54. Why did Animal's possessive, protective wife only notice he was gone after she saw him on TV after all the devastation and destruction was over?

  55. Why did the subs close to within 100 yards before firing?

  56. Why didn't they detonate the torpedoes?

  57. Why did Godzilla dodge the torpedoes? Does he dodge dolphins?

  58. How did Godzilla burrow through solid rock so quickly, anyway?

  59. How did he burrow through rock without displacing any of it? The mass just vanished!

  60. Why was he faster than a torpedo, but slower than a sub?

  61. How come no one in the movie ever asked what "Gojira" meant?

  62. Why was a French secret service member so willing to tell some worm guy all about top secret experiments?

  63. Why did Godzilla's eye keep changing size? When next to the soldier in the tunnel, her eye looked about five feet in diameter. When looking at her dead baby, her eye looked ten feet in diameter.

This list was originally published on Ain't It Cool News.

Think the compilers of the list missed anything? Then let me know at scifimoviepage@hotmail.com

 

 



 

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