STARRING: David Hasselhoff, John
Rhys-Davies, Crystal Allen
2008, 88 Minutes, Directed by:
Don E. Fauntleroy
If
you are a pop cultural punch line then you probably can't be too picky about the
roles you chose, but this "original" SciFi Channel movie is a new low even for
The Hoff.
The Anaconda franchise
has never exactly been the stamp of quality. The same goes for the dreaded
made-for-the-SciFi Channel moniker. Anaconda 3: Offspring however really
plumbs the depths of B-movie low-budget hell. A sequel in name only - it has
little (if anything) to do with previous installments in the series -
Anaconda 3 is made on a shoestring with the cackiest looking CG snake even
for a low-rent subgenre (Mega Snake, the
previous Anaconda movies, etc.) such as this.
The plot regurgitates
Jurassic Park in much the same way that real life
anacondas do with their prey. A corrupt billionaire named Murdoch (!) played by
Raiders' John Rhys-Davies is bankrolling genetic research into curing
cancer and Alzheimer's. As you might have guessed this research for some
reason involves 60-foot genetically altered anaconda snakes pretty much the same
way in which giant oversized sharks formed part of the cancer research in
Deep Blue Sea. Obviously the two dinosaurs - sorry, we meant snakes - escape
and a group of elite machine-gun hunters led by a cigar chewing David Hasselhoff
is sent to kill them. Things aren't helped by the fact that our "elite" hunters
are the lousiest shots since the Imperial storm troopers that guarded the Death
Star and that the snakes are rather spry for, well, sixty-foot long snakes . . .
Cheesy gore effects,
crap-looking CG snakes, lousy acting, rotten dialogue, a heroine that has
pointless flashbacks to scenes she weren't part of, an unoriginal and ridiculous
plot. All of this makes for a "horror" movie that will have you more chuckling
at its many inanities than anything else. The worst thing in it though is The
Hoff himself, hammily overacting to the point where you just cringe in
embarrassment for his sake . . .
If
you are a pop cultural punch line then you probably can't be too picky about the
roles you chose, but this "original" SciFi Channel movie is a new low even for
The Hoff.