STARRING: David Hasselhoff, John Rhys-Davies, Crystal Allen

2008, 88 Minutes, Directed by:
Don E. Fauntleroy

If you are a pop cultural punch line then you probably can't be too picky about the roles you chose, but this "original" SciFi Channel movie is a new low even for The Hoff.

The Anaconda franchise has never exactly been the stamp of quality. The same goes for the dreaded made-for-the-SciFi Channel moniker. Anaconda 3: Offspring however really plumbs the depths of B-movie low-budget hell. A sequel in name only - it has little (if anything) to do with previous installments in the series - Anaconda 3 is made on a shoestring with the cackiest looking CG snake even for a low-rent subgenre (Mega Snake, the previous Anaconda movies, etc.) such as this.

The plot regurgitates Jurassic Park in much the same way that real life anacondas do with their prey. A corrupt billionaire named Murdoch (!) played by Raiders' John Rhys-Davies is bankrolling genetic research into curing cancer and Alzheimer's. As you might have guessed this research for some reason involves 60-foot genetically altered anaconda snakes pretty much the same way in which giant oversized sharks formed part of the cancer research in Deep Blue Sea. Obviously the two dinosaurs - sorry, we meant snakes - escape and a group of elite machine-gun hunters led by a cigar chewing David Hasselhoff is sent to kill them. Things aren't helped by the fact that our "elite" hunters are the lousiest shots since the Imperial storm troopers that guarded the Death Star and that the snakes are rather spry for, well, sixty-foot long snakes . . .

Cheesy gore effects, crap-looking CG snakes, lousy acting, rotten dialogue, a heroine that has pointless flashbacks to scenes she weren't part of, an unoriginal and ridiculous plot. All of this makes for a "horror" movie that will have you more chuckling at its many inanities than anything else. The worst thing in it though is The Hoff himself, hammily overacting to the point where you just cringe in embarrassment for his sake . . .


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