1990: BRONX WARRIORS

STARRING: Mark Gregory, Henry Silva, Valeria D'Obici, Giancarlo Prete, Paolo Malco, Ennio Girolami

1983, 89 Minutes, Directed by: Enzo G. Castellari

A horrendously bad Italian rip-off of Escape from New York and The Warriors.

Our baby-faced hero, the prophetically-named “Trash”, is the leader of a motorbike gang called the Riders, one of the many gangs who now rule a lawless Bronx of the “future” 1990 (the movie was made in 1982).

One day Snake, er, we mean Trash, rescues a young woman from a rival gang called “the Zombies” who dress like a sci-fi segment of the Icecapades, except for their white-painted Nazi storm trooper helmets and the fact that they are all on roller-skates wielding hockey sticks instead of ice skates.

The woman turns out to be the hereditary CEO of a huge weapons-manufacturing corporation who for some reason prefers slumming with dangerous outlaw bikers instead of living a life of corporate privilege. We all have phases like that sooner or later in one’s life, one supposes. Soon the company sends a mercenary (Vic Morrow) to rescue (or is that kidnap her?). Or something like that. Whatever passes as the plot spends a lot of time meandering about aimlessly and while the dialogue has lots of four-letter words, the movie has surprisingly little violence and no nudity whatsoever when it comes to the exploitation stakes.

The preposterous costumes worn by the various gangs are the worst thing about 1990: Bronx Warriors. One group’s outfits are inspired by Alex’s Droogs in A Clockwork Orange - except they, um, tap dance. A lot. Another wear pastel-colored zoot suits. Trash’s own gang looks like gay clubber refugees from Al Pacino’s Cruising, which gives the movie a weird homosexual undertone in particular during a melodramatic death scene involving Trash and a Freddy Mercury look-alike.

Just as bad is actor Mark Gregory as the hero Trash who walks funny throughout the entire movie, leading one to suspect that his jeans are too tight. Or that maybe he had a bet with some of the other cast members that he can a keep a carrot clasped up his bum throughout the entire duration of the shoot.

The most surprising thing about 1990: Bronx Warriors is that it was actually filmed in New York (but in Brooklyn, not the Bronx as its title might imply).

The movie’s tagline (“A Heavy Metal Journey Into An Urban Hell Where Everything Was Done Wrong!”) is eerily prescient. It’s make-your-eyes-roll-in-your-head bad. Avoid.